All the Pieces…
In the dark the night does wane,
Sparrows lark upon the plane,
Hunting spiders for pure game,
Music creeps into my vein…
My heart pounded with fervor as the words hit me like a chunk of ice in the wintertime, and my hands started to shake while the instantaneous chills crept forlornly down my spine. I can’t recall now if it had been the loneliness I had been struggling with or the desire for something more that had caused such a haunting melody to plague my thoughts until I had written it down- complacently laying each word upon the page and realizing that somewhere beyond the words was something more. I never would have realized how true I was until it was mere folly to pretend that ignorance is bliss… Rather, I have learned that ignorance is merely a child’s game that we play until we realize we can no longer ignore the inevitable truths in which luck and fate wish to cram down our throats.
“Nectar, are you planning on coming to bed anytime soon?” his voice broke through the silence, and my eyes shot to the clock in a flurry: 2:38 am. I nearly choked on the air in my shock at the late hour and began to collect my things and place them in their homes. I knew that I could continue as if I had never stopped writing the next day- it was an odd talent I had that no one I had ever met before seemed capable of. It was much like the people who were able to continue a conversation without missing a beat hours after the conversation had basically ended.
I looked up at Spectrum- his golden specked gray eyes staring sadly at me as I had very nearly grown accustomed, but the longing nestled within the mists of his eyes spoke volumes that I felt I had ignored up until that moment. “Spec... What’s wrong with me?”
For a moment- a brief moment that was almost imperceptible- Spectrum’s face looked pained like I had never noticed before and I knew that he could not speak what he truly thought… If he did then I knew things would end, and I was unprepared for the conflict that was necessary to happen. Something told me that Spec wasn’t quite ready to take on the responsibility of allowing me to acknowledge the truth- of pushing me to see the pain which I had caused him, and of opening my eyes to the reality that we were too far gone to return to where we had once been.
***
A glance was all it had taken, and when those eyes- those gorgeous golden flecked eyes paused to settle upon me- a mere weed among so many blossoms- I knew that I was done for. I realized that I could never be the same again, and I would have to choose between living my life alone or making those eyes my constant stronghold- my anchor in the rough seas of the battle of life.
***
My mind slipped back to the present, and once more I found my eyes darting towards the clock: 3:24am. Spectrum had left me to remember what we had once had, and I was shocked that the memory of seeing his eyes had caused so much time to pass, but perhaps it was because in all reality I had truly been entranced and captivated by the eyes in which had very recently shown me a world of sorrow.
Resolving that reliving the past and remembering all of the regrets was mindless and would merely make me wish that Spectrum and I hadn’t slipped so far beyond the void, I stood up and looked around.
Three months ago… That was the last time I could recall being happy with Spectrum, and I knew that it had nothing to do with him that had cast me so far beyond reality. My heart ached as I realized that the devastating news- or rather the first article in painful truths- had started three months ago and merely snowballed from there. Perhaps if it had only been the infertility- I knew that though that would pain me and cripple me, it wouldn’t have lead me down this permanent road of remorse and regret. Rather, the heartache didn’t stop with the discovery that children would never be a blessing in which I could partake in.
I remembered as slowly my world devolved into such a seemingly endless black hole of destruction as I received the call the day after the doctor’s visit…
***
“Hello, I’m calling for Nectar Noel.”
It had been Spec who had answered the phone; I had been in the bedroom wallowing in self-pity at the recently acquired news. I knew it had been futile to whine about that which I couldn’t change, but had I known what would have happened next, maybe I would have been thankful to even be married to the man I loved. However, I took it all for granted.
“I’m not sure now is a good time… Nectar is facing some personal issues,” Spectrum told the man on the phone. He didn’t dare mention what I was dealing with to a stranger, but he should have realized that hiding details doesn’t do any good. Rather, it merely makes the news of a caller that much more important and potent.
The man on the phone somberly spoke, and I shall never forget the words repeated to me by Spec- he knew I daren’t leave bed, but he should have made me listen to the man speak rather than relaying the message to me.
“Nec… I just got off the phone with someone, and they had some extremely important news that needed to be passed along to you…” I lay in bed, stock still, refusing to move or speak… Spectrum should have demanded that I respond to him, but he was too kind hearted, and that made the words he spoke next that much more difficult to hear.
“Nectar… it’s your parents… They’ve been in an accident… They didn’t make it, and your little brother is going to come and live with us. I’m so sorry, Nec… I’m so sorry.”
***
I remembered how the words had cut me like a knife. My parents were dead. I couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think…
It wasn’t until three days after my brother, Hawthorne, arrived to live with Spec and I that I left the haven of safety that was my bed. It had almost been a week since I had moved, and my muscles ached with the pain walking after being bedridden for so long. I had hardly eaten, and felt frail, weary and old. However, I knew that I had to finally make an effort to show Hawthorne that the world hadn’t ended, though I was certain it had.
How could I have known that I had already done irreparable damage? Teenagers can only cope with so much, and I should have seen it coming, but in my own grief I had been blind to all the signs. There was only so much that Spectrum could’ve done, but he had been as oblivious as I had, and we paid dearly for our ignorance.
***
One month after Hawthorne had arrived on our doorstep alone and forever lost, I had been going through the room that Spectrum had prepared for him upon his arrival when I noticed something was off. His room was immaculate- spotless. It was completely unlike my brother to clean his room, but right on the desk I found my reason in a dull gray print smothered in teardrops.
“Spec! Spectrum!” I cried out in fear. How could this be happening to me? Hadn’t I been punished enough? Why did my brother have to suffer further? However, how could he punish me when I had already struggled to cope with such devastation?
Spectrum ran as fast as he could, his feet resounding loudly throughout the halls of the house. “What’s wrong, Nec? What is it?”
I could hardly speak, so I handed him the note, and before I could so much as blink he had run out of the house and towards the barn. It was cruel irony as I thought about the note- a barn, it always seems to happen in a barn. I knew, though, that I couldn’t wait forever for Spec to let me know the grim truth, so I, too, ran as quickly as I could, my feet seeking a destination my mind feared to find.
To think: If only I hadn’t waited for Spectrum. If only. I arrived just in time to watch Hawthorne pass on to greet out parents, and I prayed that he met them at Heaven’s gate. In that moment, I knew that I was broken beyond repair. Nothing could erase the final images of my brother’s life from my mind.
***
When my mind returned once more to the present, I was devastated to see that the time had ticked by in an unrelenting stream, and now it was 6:34am. I began to gloomily tromp upstairs and towards my bedroom- the one in which I hardly slept in anymore, but continued to refer to as mine because it gave me a sense of self-preservation.
I shouldn’t have been surprised by the sight which greeted me within my bed, but I knew that I would never get over the shock of seeing a dead body. As I looked out the window to see the sun beginning to rise- the golden flecks breaking through the gray night- I heard the sweet melody of a bird flowing through the air as all the pieces started to fall into place as I kissed my husband’s empty vessel goodbye and grabbed the letter opener on the side table…
In the dark the night does wane,
Sparrows lark upon the plane,
Hunting spiders for pure game,
Music creeps into my vein…
